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Provided you and your former partner are both safe. If you aren’t, call emergency services first and us second.
The first month after a separation is rarely the time for final decisions. It is the time to keep things steady, protect what you will need later, and avoid steps that are hard to undo.
Everyone’s situation is different, and feelings run high on both sides. This checklist sets out the things that help almost everyone in the first few weeks, and the things that can usually wait.
Start with safety
If you or your children are not safe, that comes before everything else on this page. Call emergency services if you are in danger. Then talk to us, or to a support service, about protection orders and where you can stay. Courts and police can act quickly when safety is at risk.
Children first
Children cope best with separation when their days stay predictable. You don’t need a long-term parenting plan in the first month. You need a short, practical routine that both parents can follow for the next few weeks.
Where the children sleep on each night of the week.
Who takes them to school, sport and appointments.
How handovers will happen, and where.
How each parent can call or message the children.
What you will both tell the children, in simple words, about what is happening.
Write the routine down, even as a text message or an email, and keep it. A short written record avoids misunderstandings, and shows later that you both put the children first.
Keep the household running
The bills keep arriving after a separation. Missing payments can damage your credit, put the home at risk and create debts you are both responsible for.
Keep paying the mortgage or rent.
Keep utilities, insurance and car registration up to date.
Agree, if you can, who pays what for the next month.
Keep receipts for anything you pay that the other person would normally share.
If money is tight, talk to your lender or landlord early. Most have hardship options, and asking before you miss a payment gives you more choices.
Copy your records
Information that is easy to reach today can be hard to get later, especially if accounts are in one person’s name or passwords change. Copy or photograph:
Recent statements for every bank, loan and credit card account.
Super or pension statements for both of you.
The last two or three years of tax returns.
Mortgage documents, leases and any property valuations.
Records for any business, trust or investment either of you is involved in.
Copy documents you are entitled to see. Don’t open the other person’s private email or accounts without permission; it can cause problems you don’t need.
Protect your own accounts
Change passwords on your own email, phone and online accounts, and turn on two-step sign-in. Check which devices are logged in to your accounts. If you share a phone plan or a cloud account, consider separating them. Don’t empty joint accounts or cancel cards the other person relies on without talking to us first; it can look like an attempt to gain an advantage.
What can wait
Selling the home, dividing savings and pensions, and long-term parenting plans can all wait until you have advice and full information. Agreements made in the first weeks, under pressure, are the ones most often revisited, and some can be set aside later if they turn out to be unfair.
Time limits do apply to some steps after a separation, so “wait” doesn’t mean “ignore”. It means making decisions once you know what you are deciding about.
Talking to your former partner
Keep conversations short, calm and about practical things. Put arrangements in writing. Avoid discussing the separation in front of the children, and avoid posting about it on social media. If talking directly isn’t working, a mediator or your lawyers can carry messages for you.
Your 30-day checklist
Make sure you and the children are safe.
Agree a short-term routine for the children, and write it down.
Keep paying the mortgage or rent, utilities and insurance.
Copy recent financial records for both of you.
Change passwords on your own accounts.
Write down the date you separated and anything agreed since.
Make a list of questions for your first legal meeting.
Book that meeting.
A first meeting with us covers all of this in plain words, and ends with a written plan and a fixed quote for the next step.
Your situation isn’t a short answer?
Helen Ashworth
A first meeting ends with a written plan and a fixed quote.
